Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Loosing a friend...


My birthday is August 15. That means last Friday I was celebrating my 36th birthday. I did nothing out of the ordinary; it was a quiet and uneventful day. My husband got back from work with a dozen red roses, and later took me out to dinner. I went to Shul the next morning (August 16th) for our Shabbat service and practically spent the day there. That night after we arrived home, and Shabbat was over, I decided to check my emails, and my Facebook page, as usual.
The next thing I saw would stay in my memory for the rest of my life. I found several emails, all giving me the news that my friend had passed away.
Her name was Priscilla, tomorrow would have been her 39th birthday, and just as beautiful as her name, so was she. I knew her since childhood, but we really became close friends, 13 years ago, while working at the same TV Station. It wasn't love at first sight; she intimidated me, she would always seem serious and unfriendly. Even though I knew her for years, I never dared approach her, thinking she didn't like me. I do not recall how it happened, but all of a sudden, we became best friends. Priscilla turned out to be the strongest yet sweetest person I ever knew in my life; she had lived a lifetime by her early twenties already. She had been painfully betrayed during her first marriage, lost her mother, and had to live on her own while taking care of her estranged brother's daughter. One thing that always amazed me about her, was the fact that no matter how hard life was treating her, she always had a possitive attitude, a beautiful smile, and great hopes for the future. She became an inspiration to my life....
After a couple of years of being the greatest of friends, I found love. I immediately asked her to be my bridesmaid, and she happily said yes! Yet, the day of the wedding came and she never showed up. Turns out, she had a wardrobe malfunction at the last minute and was too heartbroken to tell me. I remember it like if it was still today, as soon as I saw her after my honeymoon was over, I hugged her and kissed her, and assured her I was never upset at her. She was my friend! My best buddy! How could I get angry?
Time passed and I dedicated myself more and more to my husband and family, and less time to my friend; as time passed, she found other great friends to keep her company and fill her life with joy and happiness in the midst of so much hardship and suffering.
It was 6 years ago since I had last seen my friend Priscilla. I quit my job, went back to College, and later dedicated myself to homeschooling. She lived in Puerto Rico, and I live in Florida; in short, we lost communication.
Last January, I received the visit of good friends from my old job at the TV Station; to my horror I heard the news of Priscilla's illness. She had been diagnosed with Breast Cancer. It was during that turmoil in her life that she also found love...or love found her....
She married a wonderful young man, who promised to take care of her, even while knowing she ill. Marriage seemed to work wonders on her at first, and her cancer went into remission. By the end of last year, things seemed to get better and better, and to make things more perfect she finally hears the news she had been waiting for her whole life - Congratulations! You're pregnant! ...I can just imagine her laughter and beautiful smile at the moment she heard that news!
Sadly, life never seemed to treat her fair, and soon Priscilla was also facing another hard truth; her cancer had spread to her brain; the doctors found a malignant tumor behind one of her eyes, a location where it is impossible to operate. Again, she had to face the horror of losing someone, this time her own baby due to the Chemotherapy.
I always checked on her, and would ask friends about her health and progress. Some days the news were comforting, some days the news were terrifying. But I never seemed to have the courage of speaking directly to her...I was afraid to approach her at such a delicate timing; what would I say? What would she do? Will she let me in, or would she turn me away?
I was stupid enough to think that she might actually be unhappy to hear from me, after all those years of silence. So I resorted to only sending her messages of comfort and hope through my friends...what a coward I was! what a pathetic way of showing I cared!
On August 15, as I was having a nice dinner at a restaurant with my husband and children, Priscilla was asking her husband to take her to the hospital. She could not take it anymore, the pain and suffering were more than her strong willed body, mind, and soul could bear.
She was able to say good bye to the love of her life...and on Saturday, she gave away her soul and spirit to the Creator.
What had I done! I was such a coward, an irresponsible friend, and now she was gone! How can I let her know how much she meant to me, how can I tell her what a great inspiration she had been to my life, how could I tell her now that I loved her with all my heart!?
I never did it when I had the chance, and now, it is too late for me to do what I should've done. I do know for sure, now of course, that if I had made that call, I would not have been turned away, I would have been received with the same joy she always did while she was my friend. I do not consider myself to have been her friend at all, I failed at that job miserably. I do consider her to be MY friend, she always was, and she will always be.....
I did write her a good bye letter that was read at her funeral. But that was just a pathetic attempt to reconcile my own conscience, dealing with my own guilt.
Lesson learned here?
We CANNOT take our LIFE nor our FRIENDS for granted. Because you never know for how long you are going to have either...

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